I’ve never seen you lookin’ so bad my funky one. You tell me that your super fine mind has come undone. Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend. Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again. – Steely Dan/Any Major Dude
Hello friends. Well I may have caught your attention with the title here, especially the Steely Dan fans among us. I have been rather mum about what I have been dealing with for the past year, only a few in my circle have known. Due to the wonderful encouragement of my friends at Spirit Library and others, I have decided to share with you now. I’m known by some as “lemonade girl” who likes to make her lemons of pain and sorrow into lemonade (with a nice little splash of Patron on the side!) So here goes. 🙂
Our Tibetan friends call a Bardo an “intermediate state.” Some believe that has humans we are in the Bardo of Becoming, a sleepy way station between birth and death.
Always recognize the dreamlike qualities of life and reduce the attachment and aversion. Practice good-heartedness toward all beings. Be loving and compassionate, no matter what others do to you. What they will do will not matter so much when you see it as a dream. The trick is to have positive intention during the dream. This is the essential point. This is true spirituality. – Chakdud Tulku Rinpoche, as quoted by Sogyal Rinpoche, 1995.
For the past year I have been serving as a caregiver to my beloved anam cara, Merle Smith. He has been closely involved in my life for twenty years. Merle would be considered a First Wave Indigo Wizard, with advanced skills in meditation, counseling and astrology. He has also mentored me in all of these subjects. We met when I was in my 20’s and it’s safe to say I was quite a mess. Processing my own Indigo/Lightworker family of origin trauma as an empath, wasn’t easy. It took tremendous patience and compassion on his part, and for all of these years he has stayed the course as my best friend, mentor and innermost confidant. Now it is I that am needing to find the patience, as he does everything much slower, and needs assistance with the most basic of tasks. He has also dropped and spilled things, which is not uncommon with those who have generalized physical weakness. My impatience and control freak tendencies have been pushed to the max, and on some higher level I know it’s all perfect and a good teaching for me, (even when I’m sighing and cursing.)
Since I decided to go public with our struggle, it’s been quite interesting to say the least. For the most part, people have been wonderful and given me continued faith in human beings for their great capacity for love, caring and compassion for others. I have also received way too much unsolicited advice, psychic readings that we did not ask for and other general boundary violations. I have even had people attempt to shame me for asking for support for myself as a caregiver, which was hurtful and shocking to say the least. My genius chiropractor friend (who also doubles as a spiritual counselor) got me to see the other day, that with a being like Merle who has given so many teachings throughout his life, would also continue to give them through his transition out of physicality. How could he not? It’s who he is at at core level, and how he earned the nicknames, “Yoda” and “Giggling Buddha” (GB, for short.) It’s rather par for the course, as they say. Merle is definitely considered a “major dude,” as a font of wisdom, light and a great blessing to all who know him.
I do know that these kind of situations can be difficult and uncomfortable for people and can activate their own unprocessed pain and life stories. In my experience it has been more healing to just sit in silence than fill the air with nervous babel. I’ve found the words, “I’m here,” and “I love you” to be a powerful healing balm these days. This has also put me face to face with my own greatest fears, which I’m sure are universally human; the fear of pain, ugliness, loss and suffering.
In the Tibetan literature they say, “Embrace your ten thousand horrible demons and your ten thousand beautiful demons.” You’ve just got to take it all and keep going. All your fears have to be embraced, entertained, honored, and you go on with them. – Ram Dass
With Saturn in Scorpio, it does seem rather fitting for a deep shamanic initiation of this type, but I can tell you on plenty of days I wish that it wasn’t me that was doing it. Scorpio is a deeply healing energy in it’s highest manifestation. It is also about the TRUTH; the good, bad and ugly of it as well. I have already seen things that have made my Virgo planets recoil in utter horror, and I know we aren’t done with that part of the journey yet either.
Though we are keeping the faith and holding the light, Merle’s prognosis at this point is not good. I would prefer to not go into details of his medical condition at this time. We welcome any and all forms of Prayer, Reiki, Light work and healing Angel Therapies. For me personally, this is the most difficult thing that I will ever walk through in this life. I know this to be true. I also know there are incredible blessings and “aha” moments all over the place; the ones I have experienced already, and the ones yet to come. Some days I am able to accomplish all that I need to get done, almost trance-like; all the while carrying a strange grief and numbness that I have yet to get used to. I also sometimes feel a searing pain in my heart chakra and often have a very hard time getting out of bed. Today I was reminded of a spiritual poem that I read, “The crushed rose gives the greatest fragrance.” There are always great gifts in cosmic initiations like this, and there is also much pain. I also remember the Buddhist axiom, “Remember to not suffer over your suffering,” and remember it’s just another chapter, however poignant, unfolding in the great cosmic play of life.
I also know that I am certainly not the only one having to face down some serious personal fears, and scale some high mountains this year. As the Akashic Wisdom Keepers remind us, “You are dearly loved.” Yes you, and me as well. We are going to not only make it dear friends, but I have a feeling our future is brighter than we can possibly imagine at this time. Blessings of the ONE and to the ONE of us here. Namaste.
NOTE: We have started a prayer and healing group for Merle and his family members at Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/300395110088514/?fref=ts
Also, my income has taken a serious hit while serving in a caregiver capacity, love donations in any amount are greatly appreciated. Paypal account is: firstname.lastname@example.org
For those that have been loyal readers of my work and blog, I thank you very much. I will be taking a break from blog writing for the Summer of 2013, and perhaps longer. I will continue to write energy updates at the Cosmic Weather page at Facebook as I am able. A reminder that I have three books coming out this Summer from Starfield Press (6/6, 7/7 & 8/8) and they will be available at Amazon and all of the usual outlets.
Thank you so much friends. Bright Blessings to you all.